The Jag Bomber Crashes My Wife’s Holiday Work Party

This turned out to be the most interesting work party I have ever attended. And it was all because of one of my wife’s employee’s boyfriends, who I will from here on out refer to as the Jag Bomber, or JB for short .

The Jag Bomber after his 50th Jag Bomb

The moment I am introduced to JB in his hotel room he offers me and my buddy Jake a  beer. We accept and slam them before we have to go down to the award ceremonies, where my wife ends up winning the Manager of the Year Award. YAY!

My Wife Accepting her Oscar

Anyhow, on our way down to the award ceremony JB stops at the hotel bar. Yes, he just got done drinking and has a ton of liquor in his room. Let me state here that JB is a loud, obnoxious individual that ensures that everyone five miles away hears the words he slurs.

JB after his 100th Jag Bomb

Following the award ceremony, which believe it or not JB was rather quiet at, we all move on to the elegant – yes, elegant, meaning tablecloths, a chocolate fountain, catered food, etc. – banquet hall where all hell breaks loose. My wife and I are sitting at a table with our friends and JB. Believe me, everyone is staring at our table the entire time, because this guy is such a fucking loudmouth.

My Wife and I Enjoying Time Alone from JB

Okay, let it be known now that everyone is provided 4 free drink tickets at the banquet hall.First, JB is pissed off because he can’t get Red Bull at the mini-bar. He has to walk his ass to the overpriced giftshop, where he actually tips the cashier for the Red Bull. At this point JB starts dropping bombs. He also discovers that his girlfriend received a $50 bonus and states: “That’s 50 drink tickets!”

JB's IV - Without it he would die

So dinner is served and we all stand to get our food, except for JB. He starts yelling and screaming for me to return to the table and not leave him alone, swearing like a motherfucker. So of course I leave the fucker alone, sitting there by himself, everyone’s drinks on the table. We return and out of spite this son of a bitch has drained everyone’s drinks and then claims that he didn’t do it. He’s killed 3 black russians and 2 screwdrivers, and probably some jag bombs in between.

S.D. Enters the Room with Crazy in his Eyes

I’ll point out now that before the party I had spoken to Jerrod Balzer on the phone and he had jokingly advised me not to get into any fights. I told him I’d do my best, but I was bringing SD to the party – cause by golly he’s one entertaining motherfucker.

Everyone leaves the table for dessert, I unfortunately linger behind because JB is talking to me – Christ, he’s offering me dope, jag, everything but his cock. Then he happens to make a lewd comment about my wife – which I won’t say here out of respect to my wife, but it was bad enough to offend the Editor in Chief of Skullvines Press. Yes, maybe that’s a feat in itself, but I was out for blood now.

SD Escaping JB Briefly

I tell him to apologize or I’m going to punch him in the face. He realizes he has pissed me off and starts spitting apologies. I leave the table and run into his girlfriend and tell her I’m going to kick his ass if she doesn’t have a word with him.

So the alcoholic bastard disappears for a bit and we’re all sitting at our table hoping he stays in his room and fucks his jag bombs to sleep.

SD Praying that JB does not Return and has Died from Alcohol Poisoning

But guess what, the son of a bitch comes staggering back into the banquet hall.

My Friend Jake Hiding his Face at JB's Appearance

And the antics begin. He stops at the chocolate fountain and begins filling up his empty beer bottle. He stops by a giant plastic Miller Lite bottle filled with dollar bills – for a contest where you guess the dollar amount inside – and pretends to drink it.

Jake Still can't Believe this Fucker is Real, and frankly neither can SD

JB is ranting for everyone to hear, and yes EVERYONE has been watching this guy. Finally Security is called and he’s removed from the scene and kicked out of the holiday party. And of course, the fucker returns later and he’s ushered out all over again.

After the banquet hall we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly, ding-dong-ditching hotel rooms – especially JB’s! – pissing off room service, all the shit that people my age would expect from a teenager. lol

SD and his Wife Celebrating JB's Exile

So yes, in closing – I know, it’s the never-ending blog from Hell! – if you see this motherfucker crash your party or out in the street or at the bar or talking to your wife, stay the fuck away from him! Or beat the shit out of him! Just don’t be holding a Red Bull, cause that’s ammo for the Jag Bomber!

Wanted in 3 States for Being an Asshole at 10 Holiday Parties